I hate insomnia, it throws off the entire day

[phinnia]

Vague musings:

Am thinking of (pain management, etc., willing) starting to look for work in late May/early June. As terrifying as the prospect is, it means a few things, not the least of which is that we might be able to move in about six months to a year. As much as I love this apartment, there are two big problems with it: the stairs to the street (which are becoming a bigger problem with my orthotic) and the lack of in-unit laundry facilities (because the laundry stuff is, you guessed it, down a bunch of stairs: see also.) I'd love to stay in the general neighborhood, but we're also thinking about Uwajimaya Village again: there's something awesome to be said about living over a massive Asian grocery store with attached mall/foodcourt, after all.

Am thinking, beyond that and after some bills are paid, of going back to school. Have a few avenues open to me (which is really a large part of the problem I've always had - too many avenues and not enough direction/too much indecision). The one that's largely appealing at the moment is finishing the remaining two years of my psychology degree and considering some kind of postgrad work in that area, maybe as a child/adolescent psychiatrist. There's apparently a lot of demand there.

Problems with this:
1. The whole anxiety of postgraduate stuff to begin with, considering half the time I worry I can't even finish a cup of coffee or a simple sentence, never mind an actual degree path - and somewhere in my head something got flipped that said 'real adults finish everything they start, and since you don't (NO EXCUSES ACCEPTED) you suck and are Not An Adult.

2. Well, money of course, but isn't it always?

3. Minor but annoying: as much as I'm interested in SPED and the psychology of autism and so on, I despise the idea of people thinking that I did this for my obviously broken child. I did it because it's interesting, and analyzing the kid is interesting and I want to know how he thinks, but it's not out of some Amazing Maternal Bond or anything, please. I love the little guy, but he's not my reason for living, clearly. And it disgusts me that people will undoubtedly think otherwise. Sigh. I know I can't do anything about the way other people think. It's just kind of icky that that sort of thing exists at all.

Comments

[mirrormargaret.livejournal.com]

You and uglybass should chat about the back-to-school musings! He's looking at non-residential MFA's right now.

Wow ... you would be such an awesome child/adolescent psychiatrist. You would be a gift to the world. I'm not being facetious ... you really really would. God, what I would have given, as a trouble child & adolescent, for a cool and smart and kind doc like you.

Regarding the whole "oh this is another way to be a Perfect Mom of a Child With Autism!" thing ... pffft. Blow that shit off. Stupid people deserve their misconceptions.

A question, off-topic: What is your opinion of Temple Grandin? uglybass and I went to see her speak last week, and it was cool, but now I'm reading some of her books and they say troubling things ... such as that she considers herself "recovered" from autism. ?!?!!

[phinnia.livejournal.com]

Thank you, hon. *hughug* <3 <3
Re: Temple Grandin - I really love her early work, like 'Emergence: Labelled Autistic', because it honestly helped so much in realizing how Sean thinks and sees the world around him. I admit to not having heard or read that particular opinion, and that's kind of ... troubling, indeed. Huh.

[mirrormargaret.livejournal.com]

I think the "recovered" mention was in the new introduction to _Emergence_.

Her stance toward autism, and the different ways that people with autism think and perceive, does vary widely between books ... which she acknowledges straightforwardly.

[mactavish.livejournal.com]

'real adults finish everything they start, and since you don't (NO EXCUSES ACCEPTED) you suck and are Not An Adult.

Yeah. I totally get it.

One thing about the obviously broken child that would make it harder for me to do pediatric/adolescent psych stuff is that you'd be studying/doing that at work then (unless things get dramatically better soon) doing that at home, too. I've known, for instance, that I could never teach nursery school while I had a young child at home. Some people can, but I'd need a major break. Could you?

[phinnia.livejournal.com]

Hm.
That's a good question, definitely. I'll have to consider that.
(honestly, thank you. <3)

Thank you ...

[tallin.livejournal.com]

... for summarizing more or less why I am constitutionally incapable of doing work in accessibility. I reported some accessibility-related bug, and took an hour out of my life to analyze the thing for the Windows Media Center people, and was asked if various teams could sort of borrow me for accessibility-related things. Fortunately, my manager wouldn't sign off on that—but, fact is, I get on a bus, people freak out because OMG BLIND! It certainly USED to be that, when dealing with Sean's medical people, Sean was "lucky to have such an expert in the blindness field for a father". I go to sign anything? Awkward moment because blind. It is a REQUIREMENT that my paycheck have nothing to do with OMG BLIND, particularly after that being a source of moneys for, like, nearly two years.
... Fortunately, I was saved from having to explain this to one of the Accessibility Evangelists (title not mine), because it's already been pre-vetoed.

[reannon.livejournal.com]

Who cares what Random Assholes think? Hell, the parent of a SPED child is halfway to a degree in various forms of child psychology anyway. :) I wouldn't imagine that a parent of a SPED kid pursuing a degree in child psych etc. was doing it FOR their child; I'd imagine s/he was doing it because their experience led them to want to learn more. Heaven knows you could help provide an expert opinion while respecting the parents' thoughts and wishes, which is something you've found lacking in your services, eh?

[phinnia.livejournal.com]

I forget what book I read, back when I felt that reading books on this crap was in any way beneficial - I think it was 'Disability is Natural', which is that irritating mixture of 30% amazingly true, spot-on insight and 70% complete and total bullshit that made me want to hurl the book into the author's face and beat her to death with it...
Anyway. Yeah, she (and others that I've read) made a point of saying and emphasizing that they went back to school /for/ their children and that they took on this shiny new career path /for/ their children. And the thought of even inadvertently being lumped in with trash like that makes me physically sick. Just ... *shudder*. Seriously, involuntary chills.

[miintikwa.livejournal.com]

I wish you luck and happiness whatever you end up doing! :D

[phinnia.livejournal.com]

You are amazingly sweet. *glomphug* <3 <3

[miintikwa.livejournal.com]

*squee glompyhug back*

(Also, the "I used to be indecisive; now I'm not sure" is utterly perfect and hilarious.)

[paraoptomistic.livejournal.com]

I was very worried when Ron went back to school, because of the way his medications made him sleep ALL THE TIME that he wouldn't be able to concentrate in class, or that he would have a wreck driving to school, but actually he has done extremely well. The Pshrinks have adjusted his meds so that he can stay awake. He is also in the same type of field, and his head is pasted on crooked, but that isn't why. Its because he has learned so much about it from his own experience that makes it interesting to him. Nobody at school who knows that he is disabled thinks that was the reason he chose this field. In fact, they say that people with the real life experience make the best teachers. Any you're right, it is fascinating stuff. If I was in the market to go back I would seriously consider studying it myself.

As far as money goes, I don't know your situation but you might check into vocational rehab to pay for college. I was lucky enough to have a patient at work that steered us towards that, and they are paying in full for Ron's tuition, his books, and pay for part of his school supplies and gas to and from school.

[zulu]

Last spring I made the choice to go back to school full time, and I'm enjoying it immensely, despite having, you know, absolutely no money for other stuff. I really think it's my thing, what I'm good at, what interests me. I hope you can find something like that for yourself, that's worth the difficulties because it's yours, and what you decide, and what you value.

[gizmometer.livejournal.com]

clearly you should go to nursing school.
AHAHAHAH no. don't. nevermind.

what happened to pastries? not realistic? I forget.

I too have the problem of Real Adults (slash, Real Worthwhile Humans) Finish Everything And You Don't So You Suck. it's a problem!

yeah, people might think you went back for your kid. I think it's more complicated than just you did or you didn't, though, maybe? maybe some people do and it's because their kid is their whole life and they've stopped being an individual and that kind of sucks and is sad (but it's their choice and all, so... if it works for them...), but maybe also sometimes it's just easier to say that - "i have this kid who has $issue so I went back to school looking into $issue." maybe they are really intelllectual people and thought this'd be the best approach to a kid or a problem they can't otherwise understand, because they feel frustrated and lost on their own - so they're looking to understand rather than cater to. might just be 'cause they never realised that whatever issue/thing/etc their kid deals with was interesting before it showed up in their house. maybe they never even knew it existed. maybe they realised they're really good at working with kids with $issue and they never would have known otherwise, and now they want to make a difference for other people's kids, too. or maybe it was something they'd thought about before they had kids, but now their understanding of the field will be tempered, their view of the issue & the academics will be filtered through the lens of their experiences at home, adding a different perspective to what they would have learned before, changing their experience. so it could be a lot of things - but in whole or part triggered or changed by their having their kid, maybe making it easier to explain to random strangers, or even other parents (who have not gone back to school) "i have kid, kid is interesting in ways x y z, i went back to school for x y z." shorter, simpler. also, to the random wayperson, saying "i went back for x y z" if you have a kid with x y z is probably equivalent (sadly) to saying "i went back for my kid" since clearly your kid is equivalent with his/her $issue. but that's a whole nother problem, and i digress.

anyway, from my perspective it's a complicated interrelation. summing it up with one statement, one way or the other both (did/did not go back for kid), can't do it justice, I don't think. (feel free to correct me if I'm wrong!) but I think you could find room within the people you'd meet and study with to assert where you fell on the continuum. and, eh, if people want to cramp you in with their assumptions without giving you room to breathe out your own experiences and perspectives, then fuck them! (though i know that is easier said than done. bearing others' expectations and explanations sucks.)

[spoggly.livejournal.com]

I think if going back to school is what you want to do, you should totally go for it! It does suck that other people think like that, but you should do what makes you happy.

...that was entirely unhelpful. Sorry!