arbitrary genderbased assumptions suck

[phinnia]

Things that make me slightly crazy:

1. That the summer school teachers leave notes addressed to "Sean's Mom" in his lunch.
2. That they have reason to make this ridiculously gender-based assumption about lunchmaking.

Comments

[jenk]

Did you see this NY Times Magazine article on "equally shared parenting"? I think you & tallin would relate to it.

[phinnia.livejournal.com]

Oh, I LOVE that. THANK YOU. <3

[reannon.livejournal.com]

It's not lunchmaking. It is a gender-based assumption that the mother is going to be their primary contact with the home, that she will be the deciding factor in educational decisions. And yeah, that sucks, but it is a statistical fact. Fathers don't tend to take the lead in the school stuff. At the parent-teacher conferences, it's moms or moms with dads in tow. I've never yet seen a father by himself at a single parental gathering, from PTA to the school play. Also, most consumer decisions for a family are made by the mother, which is why everything from linens to breakfast cereal is marketed to moms, not dads.

[firinel.livejournal.com]

Well, with all of those things marketed to moms, then boys are growing up being demonstrated to them that women are the care-takers of children. Why on earth once they get older would they assume that they'd help out?

*sighs*
I'm glad that I got better husbands than that and that they both involve themselves to the point at which I'm not merely dragging them along to conferences.

[phinnia.livejournal.com]

It is a gender-based assumption that the mother is going to be their primary contact with the home, that she will be the deciding factor in educational decisions.

This is why Chris and I go out of our way to split phone calls and dealings with the school/doctors/therapists right down the middle. Somebody's got to fight the system, damnit. :P The only reason I do the shopping has to do with me liking it more than he does.

I just so hate that crap. And it bothers me even more because what you say is totally true.

(I also despise being referred to in written correspondence as 'Sean's Mom', because I have a REAL NAME and I kind of like it, but that's me being ornery and contrary. I know why they do it. It just irks me. I'm also never 'Mrs. Christopher Meredith' for the same reasons. Why one is okay and not the other when both can be viewed as equally depersonalizing is a mystery to me, but it probably has to do with the infantilization of women in our culture these days, and now I have to tag this post with 'graven images of linda hirschman'. <3 <3)

[shutterbug-12.livejournal.com]

Oooh, I hate when people refer to me in writing as "Mrs. Sam B------." Hate it. I even insisted at our wedding when we were "announced" that it be said as "Sam and Pam B------", because my name was going to be included, damn it. I'm not some faceless, nameless woman just because I got married. I kept my real name, too, even though it is an ungodly long Polish name, made even longer when it's hyphenated with his, because that is who I am. Ugh.

In short, yeah, I know what you mean.

[shutterbug-12.livejournal.com]

*ahem* And, yes, our first names rhyme. Shut up. ;)

[phinnia.livejournal.com]

*grin* <3 <3
Chris's first girlfriend was named Kristen, and he was also very good friends with a Christy. Been there. <3
My first name is kind of unrhymable. Not always a bad thing. <3

[jenk]

My first name is kind of unrhymable.

Seeya, Leah.

[phinnia.livejournal.com]

D'oh. <3 Okay, it's unrhymable with /other names/?

[arjache.livejournal.com]

Mia, Gia, Hermia?

[phinnia.livejournal.com]

*laugh* Or ... I am unimaginative. <3 <3

[blackfelicula.livejournal.com]

Thea :) (If Aidan had been a girl, he'd've been Thea.)

[kibbles.livejournal.com]

We're Dan and Ann. Technically Ann Marie so sometimes people call us Dan Marie. SO FUNNY LET ME TELL YOU

[wintersweet.livejournal.com]

We're Clint and Clarissa, and his parents are Jack and Jan. Gah! Nauseating. xD

[erigeneia.livejournal.com]

I just wanted to chime in that I have an ungodly long Polish name too (complete with Z! but only one Z, sigh) and I love it. I'm keeping it. And if I marry and any mail should ever come addressed to Mrs. [his whole name, or even just his last name], I'd toss it, except the future Mr. [his last name] has already said he'd open it and reply as necessary. ;)

And at said future possible wedding? I'll insist that if we're announced, it's gonna be "Dr. Erigeneia and Mr. (or Dr., if he has his PhD by then) His-name." :) Anything else and I'm not acknowledging it until they get it right.

[shutterbug-12.livejournal.com]

I didn't like my Polish name when I was younger, but I grew to embrace it when I got a little older, and I couldn't let go of it. Oooh, yes, if I had a title like that, I would insist on it, too. Don't blame you, there. =)

[reannon.livejournal.com]

It used to bug the hell out of me when people called me Mrs. Archangel, because I never took his name when I was married and certainly don't want it now. Then I came to realize 90 percent of the people calling me that knew me only through Kiddo, so they couldn't remember my name and were guessing based on Kiddo's last name. :) I remember showing up once for a trail ribbon-cutting and bumping into Kiddo's class. Immediately a chorus arose: "Hey, that's [Kiddo's] Mom! Hi, [Kiddo's] Mom!" My colleagues had a good snicker over that. :)

There's a certain point, though, where the default settings simply have to be taken into context. They may send notes to "Kiddo's Mom" or forget my name and call me Mrs. Archangel, but they also put Heather's Two Mommies in the buzz book as a couple and make no bones about their equality, they reach out to Archangel as well (he just hasn't bothered to respond in five years) and make do with what they can get. In short, don't let it bug you. It's not a sociopolitical statement, it's just people dealing with five hundred kids at once and reacting as 85 percent of their families do.

ETA: Now when it bugged me? The hospital, when they insisted on filing the insurance claim under Archangel's Social Security number. I begged them. I told them I'm the patient, the insurance is in my name, through my job, under my SS. File it under my number or you won't get paid. "Sorry, our policy is that the husband is the responsible party for all bills." WTF? Of course, the insurance company leaped on the opportunity to deny the claim, and months of nonsense ensued, and as far as I know the hospital never got paid and it ended up on my credit report. GRRRR.

[hitchhiker.livejournal.com]

wtf?! when was this and where was the hospital?

[reannon.livejournal.com]

1999, in northern Illinois.

[kengr]

"Sorry, our policy is that the husband is the responsible party for all bills."

You should have told them that their policy was illegal.

And if it *is* on your credit report, you should be able to get it off. Hell, I bet with a decent lawyer you'd wind up owning a good chunk of the hospital for ruining your credit by *their* incompetence.

[reannon.livejournal.com]

If I hadn't been young and stupid, I would have. I know better now. Fortunately, it was so long ago it's now timed off my credit.

[firinel.livejournal.com]

*sighs with you* yeah, because not only how sexist is that, but how utterly fucking homophobic.

How much more difficult would it have been to write "Sean's Parent(s)"?

[shutterbug-12.livejournal.com]

It makes me slightly crazy, and I've never had that particular assumption directed at me. I have, however, experienced this one: This past weekend, Sam's friend visited us, and I said that our place wasn't the neatest at the moment, and he said something like, "I'm sure you're busy when you work and it's hard for you to get the cleaning done." *pulls hair out* He apparently doesn't understand that Sam and I split the labor.

[phinnia.livejournal.com]

AUGH YES YES YES AUGH.

*hughug*

[pwcorgigirl.livejournal.com]

My personal favorite in stupid school communications was the year every letter home was headed "Dear Guardian." I took to correcting them in red ink and sending them back.

[phinnia.livejournal.com]

*giggle* You are my hero for that. <3

[spoggly.livejournal.com]

OMG LET'S GRAFFITI THE SCHOOL

"DEAR MOM THIS"

[tenacious-snail.livejournal.com]

I'd be inclined to communicate with Seaners parents via email or phone, since I'm not sure if tallin would notice a note in the lunchbox. (I may be wrong, but I'm more burdened by assumptions about blindness than I am locked into gender roles).

And if the teacher doesn't know you? Then why not "Seaners' parents"?

[phinnia.livejournal.com]

YES. THANK YOU.

We INSIST that all contact be done by email generally. Unfortunately we weren't quick enough this time. For some reason their argument is usually "why can't Leah just read it for you" or "you can read it together" which just makes me want to slap them hard upside the head.

It took EIGHT MONTHS to get this straightened out last year and now half his specialists/teachers are relocating. SO ANNOYING.

[tenacious-snail.livejournal.com]

wow, and here I thought I was being potentially clueless or making assumptions about IADLs and disabilities. I was thinking "bad idea to put piece of paper in lunch box which blind dad might not even notice/parse as "important" rather than "wrapper from something or random bit of paper that got here by accident".

[katybeth]

Blind, heck. I'd think a note in a used lunchbox could easily be tossed by anyone.

[jenk]

That was my thought too. What if the kid brought a bag lunch?

[gizmometer.livejournal.com]

ok, so, gender&etc assumptions aside (as they have been well-covered by those above):

they send you NOTES, in his LUNCH?! in his LUNCH. notes. what? uh? is there perhaps a more fundamental problem of communication we should be addressing?

[phinnia.livejournal.com]

EXACTLY.

Chris is calling them. There will be fire and brimstone in their general direction soon. <3

[gizmometer.livejournal.com]

excellent! (I am glad I am not just going crazy.)

[cindy-lou-who8.livejournal.com]

I always addressed everything to the parents of blah blah, unless it was direct correspondence from a specific parent. The only time I don't do that, is when I know it is just one parent at home. In my short time as a teacher, I had several kids lose parents so . . .

[phinnia.livejournal.com]

THANK YOU.
See, that's it. That's what should be done.

[lana-ftw.livejournal.com]

There are so many things wrong with that, and it seems that they've all been pointed out...

BUT I MEAN SERIOUSLY, NOTES IN HIS LUNCH? I just don't get it. Vurry professional, yes?

And the whole "Sean's Mom" thing? Equally unnecessary.

I would be extremely annoyed with all of this as well.

[circumspectly.livejournal.com]

...because, you know, only people with ovaries are capable of slappin' a sammich together, or whatever.

*eyeroll*

hee.

[joe-pike-junior.livejournal.com]

My dad always made the lunches. Mum prised everyone out of bed, and dad made the lunches.

And who the hell puts a note in a lunchbox, anyway? It's only gonna get thrown out with the dead banana and the greaseproof paper.

Hi! Just dropping into your journal -- I noticed that you friended me.

[phinnia.livejournal.com]

I know, isn't it insane? (And my dad did the same.) <3
(hi! feel free to hang around if you like!) <3