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crackfic: the one where they find a horse in the men's room
My brain, it is crackified. Let me show you it.
Title: The one where there's a horse in the men's room (House/Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency crossover)
Author:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
phinnia
Disclaimer: I do not own anything from House, nor do I own an Electric Monk. I am not David Shore, I am not any of his minions, and I am not Douglas Adams. I do, however, own a VCR, so I can videotape things, even when I can't set something electronic to believe in things for me.
Rating: PG-13 because some of us MUST make penis jokes (coughhousecoughwilsoncough)
Author's Note: Fornightdog_barks, because she asked. Well, actually she just wanted the horse, the rest of it was my idea. Look, it's crack!
"There's a horse in the men's room." said Chase. He looked a bit pale and washed out about the whole thing.
"If you feel inadequate, stop looking at other boys while you're using the urinal." House rolled his eyes and didn't move from the whiteboard. "That's why Wilson always faces straight forward."
"Funny, I thought that's why you did that." Wilson replied with a smirk.
"I just play along to shield your fragile ego. You know they have surgery to fix that problem of yours now?"
"There really is a horse in the men's room." Chase interrupted. "I took a picture with my cameraphone. Look."
The picture wasn't the best quality, but then, cameraphones never were. It was quite obviously a horse though. It had a smooth black and white coat and was sniffing politely at one of the sinks.
"Huh." said Cameron, peering over Chase's shoulder. "Looks like a Gypsy Vanner."
"Of course you'd know all about it. Girls always do." House rolled his eyes and grabbed his cane from where it was hooked over the top of the whiteboard. "Come on, Wilson, let's deal with this or we'll have to hold Chase's hand every time he goes to take a leak."
*
"Don't step in the ... you know." Wilson murmured. His voice echoed loud around the tiles.
"Stop using technical terms, you think I'm a doctor or something?" Nevertheless, House avoided the mess on the floor. He ran a hand across the smooth rump. It seemed solid enough - not that he knew much about horses, but he knew enough about bodies to be able to tell a real one from a figment of someone's imagination, anyway. "It's a horse all right."
"Now who's getting technical?" Wilson carefully made his way around to the horse's head. It looked at him with solemn brown eyes and buried its nose in his hair.
"I told you that fruity shampoo was a bad idea." House delicately scratched it behind the ears, and it whuffed gently. "It thinks you're food."
This didn't merit a reply, so Wilson didn't bother giving one. "You realize Cuddy's going to say this is your fault?"
*
"This is your fault."
"How is it my fault?" House stomped his cane on Wilson's toe to get rid of the smirk on Wilson's face: it failed to work, but it was a nice try on his part. "Chase found the damned thing. I'm an innocent bystander."
"I don't know, but it probably is. Isn't most of the weird stuff around here your fault?" Cuddy ran her fingers through the horse's mane. "He needs someplace to run around."
"I'm sure it has somewhere ... somewhere, whereever it's from." Wilson pointed out. "How'd he get in here, anyway? There's no way a horse that big could get down the hallway without being noticed."
"Or in the elevator. Even the freight elevator." House scowled at Cuddy. "And since taking the stairs isn't an option for, you know, crippled people, I don't see how this is my fault."
"All right, maybe it isn't." Cuddy sighed and started to feed the horse some carrot sticks Cameron had picked up from the cafeteria. "Still, you have to admit it's kind of weird, and you are usually responsible for most of the weird things that happen around here."
House was about to reply when there was a creaking noise and some wind. Then the door to the handicapped stall opened and an electric monk stepped out.
That was enough to make everyone stop talking, actually.
*
They could tell it was a monk, because it was wearing a brown robe with a hood. They knew it was electronic because it had a warranty label on its neck, and House later swore he heard it whirring as it walked and no one could really argue otherwise.
The monk took the reins gently from Cuddy's hand. "Thank you for looking after him. I am terribly sorry about the mess."
"Er, don't worry about it." Cuddy demurred politely, clearing her throat. "Uh, we have janitors to take care of that sort of thing."
"Very good. Have a wonderful day. I will believe that you will, if you like."
No reply. The monk led the horse back through the handicapped stall. A door which they'd never noticed before opened again, and the horse and monk were gone.
There was a pause.
"I'm getting my Vicodin checked for tampering." House stomped out of the room before anyone could argue.
"I'm ... I think I'll have a drink." Wilson sighed.
"I need to page the janitors." Cuddy flipped the lights off on her way out. "And ... then maybe I'll take the afternoon off."
Title: The one where there's a horse in the men's room (House/Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency crossover)
Author:
phinniaDisclaimer: I do not own anything from House, nor do I own an Electric Monk. I am not David Shore, I am not any of his minions, and I am not Douglas Adams. I do, however, own a VCR, so I can videotape things, even when I can't set something electronic to believe in things for me.
Rating: PG-13 because some of us MUST make penis jokes (coughhousecoughwilsoncough)
Author's Note: For
nightdog_barks, because she asked. Well, actually she just wanted the horse, the rest of it was my idea. Look, it's crack! "There's a horse in the men's room." said Chase. He looked a bit pale and washed out about the whole thing.
"If you feel inadequate, stop looking at other boys while you're using the urinal." House rolled his eyes and didn't move from the whiteboard. "That's why Wilson always faces straight forward."
"Funny, I thought that's why you did that." Wilson replied with a smirk.
"I just play along to shield your fragile ego. You know they have surgery to fix that problem of yours now?"
"There really is a horse in the men's room." Chase interrupted. "I took a picture with my cameraphone. Look."
The picture wasn't the best quality, but then, cameraphones never were. It was quite obviously a horse though. It had a smooth black and white coat and was sniffing politely at one of the sinks.
"Huh." said Cameron, peering over Chase's shoulder. "Looks like a Gypsy Vanner."
"Of course you'd know all about it. Girls always do." House rolled his eyes and grabbed his cane from where it was hooked over the top of the whiteboard. "Come on, Wilson, let's deal with this or we'll have to hold Chase's hand every time he goes to take a leak."
*
"Don't step in the ... you know." Wilson murmured. His voice echoed loud around the tiles.
"Stop using technical terms, you think I'm a doctor or something?" Nevertheless, House avoided the mess on the floor. He ran a hand across the smooth rump. It seemed solid enough - not that he knew much about horses, but he knew enough about bodies to be able to tell a real one from a figment of someone's imagination, anyway. "It's a horse all right."
"Now who's getting technical?" Wilson carefully made his way around to the horse's head. It looked at him with solemn brown eyes and buried its nose in his hair.
"I told you that fruity shampoo was a bad idea." House delicately scratched it behind the ears, and it whuffed gently. "It thinks you're food."
This didn't merit a reply, so Wilson didn't bother giving one. "You realize Cuddy's going to say this is your fault?"
*
"This is your fault."
"How is it my fault?" House stomped his cane on Wilson's toe to get rid of the smirk on Wilson's face: it failed to work, but it was a nice try on his part. "Chase found the damned thing. I'm an innocent bystander."
"I don't know, but it probably is. Isn't most of the weird stuff around here your fault?" Cuddy ran her fingers through the horse's mane. "He needs someplace to run around."
"I'm sure it has somewhere ... somewhere, whereever it's from." Wilson pointed out. "How'd he get in here, anyway? There's no way a horse that big could get down the hallway without being noticed."
"Or in the elevator. Even the freight elevator." House scowled at Cuddy. "And since taking the stairs isn't an option for, you know, crippled people, I don't see how this is my fault."
"All right, maybe it isn't." Cuddy sighed and started to feed the horse some carrot sticks Cameron had picked up from the cafeteria. "Still, you have to admit it's kind of weird, and you are usually responsible for most of the weird things that happen around here."
House was about to reply when there was a creaking noise and some wind. Then the door to the handicapped stall opened and an electric monk stepped out.
That was enough to make everyone stop talking, actually.
*
They could tell it was a monk, because it was wearing a brown robe with a hood. They knew it was electronic because it had a warranty label on its neck, and House later swore he heard it whirring as it walked and no one could really argue otherwise.
The monk took the reins gently from Cuddy's hand. "Thank you for looking after him. I am terribly sorry about the mess."
"Er, don't worry about it." Cuddy demurred politely, clearing her throat. "Uh, we have janitors to take care of that sort of thing."
"Very good. Have a wonderful day. I will believe that you will, if you like."
No reply. The monk led the horse back through the handicapped stall. A door which they'd never noticed before opened again, and the horse and monk were gone.
There was a pause.
"I'm getting my Vicodin checked for tampering." House stomped out of the room before anyone could argue.
"I'm ... I think I'll have a drink." Wilson sighed.
"I need to page the janitors." Cuddy flipped the lights off on her way out. "And ... then maybe I'll take the afternoon off."
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By weird coincidence (except with us, it's not), a phrase from Douglas Adams kept running through my head this morning! "Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so."
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Yay! I'm glad you like. I love the image of Cameron staring over Chase's shoulder, maybe trying to be slightly comforting, peering at the horse. <3
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Lovely.
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Hee!
Thank you for the laugh. And it's a Gypsy Vanner! They're awesome!
(Mare, under the Collective mask)
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Hey it's a hospital. No horses allowed
...He and the horse entered the hospital earlier this month and rode an elevator up to the third floor, where they were met and stopped by security personnel.
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Actually - this is my real brain. <3 The most mind-altering substance this fic was composed on was coffee. And lack of sleep. <3