because I was tagged by everyone, their goldfish AND their pet hamster, 25 things about phin
1. I spent seven years as a vegetarian. It started as a reaction to a badly done cut of meat (i don't remember what type it was now) and ended because of bacon. I still don't eat a lot of meat, and I like to buy local when I can. As far as bacon, I'm terribly spoiled by our local butcher's bacon and frequently refuse to buy anything else. (The backup bacon pusher is a local german deli who has double-smoked bacon.)
2. I hate the fact that I'm not currently working more than anything, because I really do believe in Linda Hirschman's philosophy that women have a responsibility to keep their work history and skills current. I keep applying for jobs but so far nothing's bothered to even call me. This leads to more self-loathing than I can adequately describe.
3. I love to write; I've always wanted to write. But I keep wrestling with the feeling that I need another, more "responsible" job. This leads to even more self-loathing. I really don't like myself very much. I try to hide it as much as I can, but it's really difficult.
4. My legs are spastic - stiff and difficult to move - and my arms and fingers are hypermobile.
5. My first major in college was film. I adore film history and I'm really excellent at writing about it. I wanted to do screenwriting because it was the closest I could get to writing. Again with the 'responsible' job. I would love to review films but - yeah, that again with the not-calling me back/not-finding a job doing it to even apply for.
6. I used to want three children. That changed after Sean was born pretty quickly.
7. I've had serious anxiety problems as far back as third grade, possibly further back. I've only been able to adequately treat most of them in the past six months. This led to a lot of missed chances. (again with the self-loathing thing).
8. I'm a really great ideas person but I'm not as good with the follow-through.
9. I have always been a cat person, although I frequently want to borrow someone's dog for a few hours.
10. As far as religion I self-identify as Hindu/Buddhist although I have a strange fascination with the Catholic church.
11. I've only had sex with two people.
12. My mother took me to a casino the night of my 19th birthday (19 is the legal age for gambling in Ontario). I won about a hundred and fifty dollars on roulette that night. I haven't been in a casino since.
13. When I was a teenager I spent two or three hours every night or every other night with my best high school friend. Now I despise the phone except for very rare occasions.
14. I couldn't walk unassisted until I was nearly six.
15. My favorite movie is Good Bye, Lenin! It's about a woman who was in a coma during the reunification of Germany. When she wakes up from her coma, her family has to hide the fact that East Germany no longer exists because the shock would kill her.
16. I used to know all the words to a sung latin mass. I've been in a choral group several times in my life. I sometimes think I might like to get back into singing, especially in something like the seattle medieval women's choir but I always feel like I don't have enough time. (Not feeling like I have enough time for things is a constant problem, even though I spend more than enough time doing not much more than refreshing my LJ/twitter. it comes from feeling I should be always here otherwise I'm not a real writer. My issues, let me show you them.)
17. I have synesthesia. Mine is based around smells and colors. This is part of why I love BPAL perfumes so much.
18. I used to walk on my toes because I couldn't put my feet flat. I had tendon release surgery when I was eight years old and now I can walk normally. This means I've learned to walk twice in my lifetime.
19. Most of the time I really hate cooked eggs.
20. When I was in casts for twelve weeks after the tendon release surgery (six weeks with a bar between my ankles; six weeks without the bar) I wrote the word 'telemarketing' on my right thigh in purple marker because I thought the word sounded interesting. I didn't know what it meant for several years after that.
21. When I was ten years old my family moved while I was away at summer camp. They didn't tell me until after the fact. After that I stopped trusting them, for fairly obvious reasons.
22. Last year around this time (specifically the day after Valentine's Day) I went to the ER with severe aphasia, which had been coming on for several days before the fact. I didn't realize it at the time because it was only verbal aphasia and I didn't really speak to anyone most of the time during the day. It was a side effect of several drugs I was on at the time. They thought I might have had a stroke. At least one of the doctors was amazingly condescending at the time. One of the nurses tried to keep Chris out of the area where they took information and checked vitals despite the fact that I couldn't speak up for myself (this stopped because Chris forced the issue immediately). Also the person at the front desk couldn't spell 'aphasia'. At the time, and also now, I thought this was extremely ironic.
23. I picked out my own engagement ring.
24. The first movie I saw in theaters was 'Bambi'. The second movie I ever saw in theaters was 'Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.' To this day I'm still freaked out by the evil stepmother in that movie (a fact that my ex-bf and his mother made fun of me for)
25. My most severe phobia is fear of falling/heights. This is bad enough that I can't walk near the glass barricades at malls, and I freak out if my friends/family do so; it also extends to bridges. It's so bad that I'm actually shaking writing about this.
2. I hate the fact that I'm not currently working more than anything, because I really do believe in Linda Hirschman's philosophy that women have a responsibility to keep their work history and skills current. I keep applying for jobs but so far nothing's bothered to even call me. This leads to more self-loathing than I can adequately describe.
3. I love to write; I've always wanted to write. But I keep wrestling with the feeling that I need another, more "responsible" job. This leads to even more self-loathing. I really don't like myself very much. I try to hide it as much as I can, but it's really difficult.
4. My legs are spastic - stiff and difficult to move - and my arms and fingers are hypermobile.
5. My first major in college was film. I adore film history and I'm really excellent at writing about it. I wanted to do screenwriting because it was the closest I could get to writing. Again with the 'responsible' job. I would love to review films but - yeah, that again with the not-calling me back/not-finding a job doing it to even apply for.
6. I used to want three children. That changed after Sean was born pretty quickly.
7. I've had serious anxiety problems as far back as third grade, possibly further back. I've only been able to adequately treat most of them in the past six months. This led to a lot of missed chances. (again with the self-loathing thing).
8. I'm a really great ideas person but I'm not as good with the follow-through.
9. I have always been a cat person, although I frequently want to borrow someone's dog for a few hours.
10. As far as religion I self-identify as Hindu/Buddhist although I have a strange fascination with the Catholic church.
11. I've only had sex with two people.
12. My mother took me to a casino the night of my 19th birthday (19 is the legal age for gambling in Ontario). I won about a hundred and fifty dollars on roulette that night. I haven't been in a casino since.
13. When I was a teenager I spent two or three hours every night or every other night with my best high school friend. Now I despise the phone except for very rare occasions.
14. I couldn't walk unassisted until I was nearly six.
15. My favorite movie is Good Bye, Lenin! It's about a woman who was in a coma during the reunification of Germany. When she wakes up from her coma, her family has to hide the fact that East Germany no longer exists because the shock would kill her.
16. I used to know all the words to a sung latin mass. I've been in a choral group several times in my life. I sometimes think I might like to get back into singing, especially in something like the seattle medieval women's choir but I always feel like I don't have enough time. (Not feeling like I have enough time for things is a constant problem, even though I spend more than enough time doing not much more than refreshing my LJ/twitter. it comes from feeling I should be always here otherwise I'm not a real writer. My issues, let me show you them.)
17. I have synesthesia. Mine is based around smells and colors. This is part of why I love BPAL perfumes so much.
18. I used to walk on my toes because I couldn't put my feet flat. I had tendon release surgery when I was eight years old and now I can walk normally. This means I've learned to walk twice in my lifetime.
19. Most of the time I really hate cooked eggs.
20. When I was in casts for twelve weeks after the tendon release surgery (six weeks with a bar between my ankles; six weeks without the bar) I wrote the word 'telemarketing' on my right thigh in purple marker because I thought the word sounded interesting. I didn't know what it meant for several years after that.
21. When I was ten years old my family moved while I was away at summer camp. They didn't tell me until after the fact. After that I stopped trusting them, for fairly obvious reasons.
22. Last year around this time (specifically the day after Valentine's Day) I went to the ER with severe aphasia, which had been coming on for several days before the fact. I didn't realize it at the time because it was only verbal aphasia and I didn't really speak to anyone most of the time during the day. It was a side effect of several drugs I was on at the time. They thought I might have had a stroke. At least one of the doctors was amazingly condescending at the time. One of the nurses tried to keep Chris out of the area where they took information and checked vitals despite the fact that I couldn't speak up for myself (this stopped because Chris forced the issue immediately). Also the person at the front desk couldn't spell 'aphasia'. At the time, and also now, I thought this was extremely ironic.
23. I picked out my own engagement ring.
24. The first movie I saw in theaters was 'Bambi'. The second movie I ever saw in theaters was 'Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.' To this day I'm still freaked out by the evil stepmother in that movie (a fact that my ex-bf and his mother made fun of me for)
25. My most severe phobia is fear of falling/heights. This is bad enough that I can't walk near the glass barricades at malls, and I freak out if my friends/family do so; it also extends to bridges. It's so bad that I'm actually shaking writing about this.
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"3. I love to write; I've always wanted to write. But I keep wrestling with the feeling that I need another, more "responsible" job. This leads to even more self-loathing. I really don't like myself very much. I try to hide it as much as I can, but it's really difficult."
That and the family moving thing... Wow. My folks never did that, although when I was sixteen they didn't tell me we were moving across country (again) until about two weeks before we left.
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On the good side, leaving brought out my inner bipolar, which is now being treated. Of course treatment has its side effects--WTF, brain? but family life is more peaceful. Now I just have to recover my self-confidence to work again.
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3-- Me too re: the writing. :D
14-- When I was a child I had to wear braces because I had tendon problems, too. My feet curled inward-- I literally walked on the outside of my feet. It was very hard to walk unaided, even with the braces. I had to go to kindergarden with the braces. I don't even want to describe the ridicule.
23- Me too! :) And our original wedding rings.
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I was pescatarian for like 4 years, and it's always bacon, isn't it? Bacon makes the world go 'round. I had to have some bacon and I thought, this would be really good on a burger. It all fell to pieces after that.
I want three kids. But I don't have any, so I might change my mind. *shrug* I sorta doubt it, though. No matter how many of something I have, I always want more. Be it dogs or t-shirts.
I experience synaesthesia sometimes, too. I see sounds, though. Just random patterns of colour on a black background. Which is why I tend to close my eyes when I sing or play piano; a lot of the time I can see the correct pitch and tone quality better than I can hear it.
I also usually hate cooked eggs. And yet, I keep thinking 'I'm hungry. I'll make eggs!' Silly brain...
The first movie I saw in a theatre was also Bambi. I reportedly fell asleep. Probably a good thing.
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3. I can relate there. I sometimes feel like my job isn't a good one, because it doesn't feel like a respectable job. Deep down, I know it's a noble and good profession, but I worry that society as a whole views it as nothing but people playing around, and so won't give me respect for it, or see the worth in it. But I feel you on the "this isn't a responsible thing" front.
15. That sounds like a really interesting movie.
21. Wow, what a shitty thing to do.
<3
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13. When I was a teenager I spent two or three hours every night or every other night with my best high school friend. Now I despise the phone except for very rare occasions.
SAME. I was always on the phone as a teenager. Now, I hate talking on the phone. HATE it.
And shit, wtf with your family moving while you were at summer camp??
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My family moved while I was at camp, too, but I was sixteen and I knew about it. WTF is up with them not telling you? My mind just can't make that work.
Synesthesia is something I'm really curious about. How do you even realize you have it? Are you tested or do you just know?
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There's a great book called 'the natural history of the senses' by diane ackerman; she talks about synesthesia to a certain extent. i think it's a just-knowing thing? i just have a ... it's almost like a 'vision' but not, just a strong pull toward specific colors/scents - the green of cut grass is a different green than that of tomato vines, for example ... it's hard to explain; i'll think about how to explain better and post on it, i think.
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because I really do believe in Linda Hirschman's philosophy that women have a responsibility to keep their work history and skills current
I persist in my conviction that the writing you do on this blog, which I personally love and which is substantive and funny and important, IS work.